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10 Things to Stop Doing If You Love an Alcoholic. Many times, the frustration and stress can be caused by your own actions and choices. By adjusting your approach and your attitude toward the problem, you can place it in a different perspective so that it no longer dominates your thoughts and your life.
Q1. My husband has a gambling problem that is consuming his life. On Friday he goes to a casino, spends the whole night, and doesn't come home until Saturday afternoon. Then Sunday he gets up and goes again and doesn't return until late Sunday night. I need some advice on how to handle this. I want him to change so he can be the kind of father he should be to our son. Please help — I'm at my wits' end.
— Laura, Texas
I am very sorry, Laura, to hear of your husband's gambling problem. It must be painful to watch him leave the house when you know where he is going. Sadly, out-of-control gambling can destroy families and individuals, so your fears are quite valid.
As you describe it, it seems that your husband doesn’t appreciate the potential consequences that his behavior has on your relationship as a couple or on his relationship with your son. The first thing to do is talk with him very directly about the negative impact of his behaviors. Be calm and clear and explain exactly how it affects you. For example, “I feel alone and unsupported in managing things when you leave for the night.” Or “Your son wonders why you don’t put him as a higher priority than your gambling.” Don’t soft-pedal the impact.
Next, you need to define for yourself who has which problem. You may have many conflicting emotions as you deal with your husband’s behaviors. You may be angry with him while also trying to protect him. You may question whether you are somehow responsible for his wanting to leave the home and go to the casino. No matter how much you recognize the problem and how hard you try to get your husband to change, ultimately it is a decision that he has to make. If your husband accepts that he has a problem and is willing to get help, I would encourage him to seek out a licensed mental health professional who specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy to address his impulse-control problem of gambling. Gamblers Anonymous may also be helpful for him to overcome his problem.
On the other hand, just how much you are willing to put up with is your decision. Individual therapy and peer-support groups such as Gam-Anon can be very helpful for families of problem gamblers. Finally, it is extremely important that you take care of yourself and get the support you need as you sort these issues out, communicate directly and clearly with your husband, and decide how much you are willing to tolerate.
As a final point, it may be helpful to know the diagnostic criteria for pathological gambling. The American Psychiatric Association defines pathological gambling as an impulse-control disorder that is a chronic and progressive mental illness. The key feature of pathological gambling is a persistent and recurrent maladaptive gambling behavior that disrupts personal, family or vocational pursuits — which sounds like it matches your husband’s behavior pretty closely. In order to be diagnosed, an individual must have at least three of the following symptoms:
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- Preoccupation - The person has frequent thoughts about gambling experiences, whether past, future, or fantasy.
- Tolerance - As with drug tolerance, the gambler requires larger or more frequent wagers to experience the same 'rush.'
- Withdrawal - The person is restless or irritable when s/he tries to stop or cut back on his gambling.
- Escape - The person gambles to improve mood or escape problems.
- Chasing - The person tries to win back gambling losses with more gambling.
- Lying - The person tries to hide the extent of his or her gambling by lying to family, friends, or therapists.
- Loss of control - The person has unsuccessfully tried to reduce gambling.
- Illegal acts - The person has broken the law in order to obtain gambling money or recover gambling losses. This may include acts of theft, embezzelment, fraud or forgery.
- Risked significant relationship - The person gambles despite risking or losing a relationship, job, or other significant opportunity.
- Bailout - The person turns to family, friends, or another third party for financial assistance as a result of gambling.
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Q2. I have been under a lot of stress lately. I am a social drinker, and when I’m drinking, I notice that I have a complete memory loss. There are times where I had conversations with people and did things that were completely out of character, but when I woke up, I had no memory of it. I realize I’m drinking too many drinks, but is it possible that I have a split personality or schizophrenia? The blackouts are lasting for hours.
You do not have schizophrenia. You are an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a very serious problem, and you need help. The blackouts you are experiencing are a very worrisome indicator. Seek help from local professionals and from your local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous before you endanger your family, your career and your life.
Learn more in the Everyday Health Addiction Center.
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